Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
