There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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