My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
