News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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