I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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