Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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