My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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