please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
