dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
