I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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