I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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