the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
