I wish I could punch you in the face.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
