I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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