When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
