Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
