I got chris browned last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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