Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
