He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
