If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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