chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
