Fuck appropriateness.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
