she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
