Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
