I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize