omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
