"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
