Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
