I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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