I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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