she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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