I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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