Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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