apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
