i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
