I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
