All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
