So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
well you can't waste a boner
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize