Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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