how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
