false alarm. still invincible.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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