i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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