...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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