god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
