I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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