she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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