i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
