I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We talked him into tasing himself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
