What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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