kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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