thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
