what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
