M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
