ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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