I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
