She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
