If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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