The maid of honor just puked.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
