Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize